Outsmarting Dating Predators
Since ending my engagement in January, I have had a brutal awakening to the world of dating. Hello, 2020… again.
I started online dating after I felt my heart had healed enough to the point that I wasn’t calling every guy by my ex-fiance’s name. I was ready. After a few socially distanced dates and an ongoing global pandemic, I decided to keep looking. Then I met this incredible guy. He was speaking my language. Finally an American who rivaled my love of college football and taught me a new way to cook steak. He thought women should be preachers and wanted to live abroad. He said he was well educated and had dreams and I was smitten. His initials were JP.
Long texts turned into long chats. Long chats divulged family secrets and intimate details about my life. My trust in him was building over the months. Because of COVID-19, we were unable to meet. Little did I know at the time, but that was a blessing in disguise.
I later decided to send him a care package. After a botched delivery, I found out that the man I was speaking to was a fraud. His name wasn’t real. His job wasn’t real.
‘Leah, there is no one by that name in this department.’ I had been tricked.
After turning into a rabid journalist, I found his real name. While searching for him online, I found his wife.
How was I so blind? How was I playing the role of the fool? I talked to him on video chat to be sure he was real. I had checked his identity online. My mind immediately went into investigative journalism mode. How did I get duped? Work tunnel vision, engaged.
The free tools I used to 'discover’ him have come as a shock to many of my friends. Most people I told did not know these means existed. If they helped me bust a fraud, then maybe they can assist in turning your heart eye emojis into clear vision. Maybe this can help your daughter. Your dad. Let me list them out for you. One. By. One.
Have mutual friends. Find them. They are there. Even if you don’t have them, make them. Know the surroundings of your person and push and push until you have at least one person in common. Humans vet other humans.
Ask for an article published about them from a reputable source. Most people have articles mentioning them from high school, college, or work. Find anything. I am an easy one to vet because my face and name are linked to several verified accounts online. Will they send you theirs? If they say, ‘I’m not online’ then take that as a red flag and probe more.
Reverse image search. I did this (early on in the relationship), but I picked the wrong images. I searched the selfie images he sent me. I needed to have searched the older images, ones that may already be online. I later did it with older pictures he sent me and I found his high school yearbook page. You see, reverse image search tells you if a picture has been used online before. We use this in journalism all the time to see if pictures are being reused from past events. You can upload images at images.google.com & https://tineye.com/ Ask the person to send you a picture from high school or college or of their greatest achievement… then work backwards.
Reverse phone number search. I made a deadly error in this department. I only searched for his phone number in White Pages. His initials came up correctly. I thought JP was JP. Now I know JP stands for something completely different to what he told me. Had I just put his phone number into Google and probed a bit more, I would have found him out much earlier.
Reverse email search. Try to get their email in any way. I asked for his so I could share a file that was too big to send from my phone. Once you get it, put their email into a reverse search to find their name, phone number, and home address. This was the ultimate tool I used to find JP’s real name. thatsthem.com is a good place to start.
Listen to your gut.
I honestly thought people who were lied to or cheated on were blinded by love and not using common sense. I have always prided myself on being in the know and using similar tools at work to confirm sources. I thought I could trust someone in dating because I connected with them emotionally and asked all the right questions. I thought I wasn’t being catfished because his pictures were of the same man I was talking to on video call. I understand now, better than ever, how people get duped. You don’t have to be dumb to fall for the wrong JP. He just has to be strategic and tell you what you want to hear.
“The role you made me play
of the fool, no, I don’t like you.
I don’t like your perfect crime,
how you laugh when you lie.”
Did I have red flags pop up along the way? Absolutely. But his apologies were rational and seemed sincere. The worst thing you can do in any relationship is silence your gut. She is your greatest weapon, your deepest Knowing.
Following my research, I was able to do more digging and actually find out enough information for his bosses to open an investigation into his actions. I have been told he is in the process of being let go. I also found out (not surprisingly so) that I am not the only ‘other’ girl. While he didn’t use me for the physical, it’s clear now that I was the emotional support that fed his ego and hobby.
His lies were deep in truth. He told me stories of being cheated on, just to find out he was talking about himself. He told me his middle name and I later learned it belongs exclusively to his sister. The only truth that rings truer now are the stories he told me of the impact of being abandoned by his father as a child. His hurt has lured him into hurting others. He’s a shell of a man who had to lie about his status and beliefs to project a whole man (don’t lie about your salary if it’s public record, btw).
I later discovered that he also has two Pintrest accounts filled with images organized by category. One was only used for porn (yes, you can access that on Pintrest). He used it to fabricate a projection of who he wanted to be. It was an incredibly thoughtful database of lies.
My first shot back at dating ended in me talking to a predator, a wife, and a legal team. I was catfished, gaslighted, and ghosted (because the legal team took his phone). I don’t want that for you.
Also, never tell a dating interest where you live until you can categorically confirm their identity. You just don’t know who you are dealing with. I was cheated by the healthy alter ego of a sick man and saw none of this coming.
And remember, this isn’t just for the online scene. I could have met JP at a bar. Meeting in person does not solve the problem (it may actually make it worse). You can’t be physically assaulted through a phone.
I have once again returned to the dating gospel of great theologian, Taylor Swift. Sermons serve as lampposts. Scripture reminds me that I am not the only crazy one.
My first news editor always told me to ‘make better mistakes tomorrow’. The bar is being raised here, one way or another.
I recently went for a walk on the beach to process, but ended up burning the soles of my feet. 2020, we meet again.
I was so close to cracking the code but stopped searching prematurely. While this storyline is uncomfortable for me to process, the timing of my experience ultimately led to a bigger fallout for him. And a better steak recipe for me.
He messed with the wrong person.